I would have never thought I would be a Buddhist. This is mostly because of my own misconceptions on Buddhism in the past. I shied away from anything requiring a leap of faith. Little did I know, faith and beliefs are not a requirement. A heathy interest and a scientific mind are all one needs to get started. In fact much of Bhuddism can be practiced along side other religions. Some make the claim that Buddhism is not a religion at all but a practice. As Wikipedia puts it:
Religion is a set of beliefs concerning the cause, nature, and purpose of life and the universe, especially when considered as the creation of a supernatural agency,[1] or human beings’ relation to that which they regard as holy, sacred, spiritual, or divine.[2] Many religions have narratives, symbols, traditions and sacred histories that are intended to give meaning to life. They tend to derive morality, ethics, religious laws or a preferred lifestyle from their ideas about the cosmos and human nature.
Now there are some strains of Buddhism that worship Buddha as a god, but there are strains of Christianity that ritualisticly hold rattle snakes to prove they are truly in the spirit. Some sects get slain in the spirit or claim that they speak directly to God (need I go on?). We need to take what is good and throw the rest out. We have a brain for a reason.
I have such new found freedom with these new ideals. Everything is fresh and exciting, in fact I can feel myself glowing and radiating energy and joy! I see myself and think back to fledgling Christians when I was younger. The excitement one sees in them is so wonderful. The sins of the world are lifted from their shoulders, they feel so free and motivated to change the world, to share their story of salvation which they call their "testimony". A testimony usually includes how life was before a conversion, what drew one to converting and ultimately how life is afterwards. Amazing that one can recieve a sense of freedom through many different outlets! Salvation through Jesus Christ is not the only way. As I thought about this last night I realized something so simple it struck me in a profound way. My "Bhuddist testimony" I think brings this epiphany to clarity:
After the plucked carcass of my faith lay before me nearly eleven years ago (perhapse a bit dramatic or perhapse not, haha!)I asked myself, "what now?" But no matter what I did, I could not move on. To those who have not experienced such a loss I compare it to losing a limb or a parent (of course I have lost neither of these but that is the closest I can come). In my first attempt to heal, my husband and I went to therapy together. This allowed for some mobility, but not much. I no longer knew how to function without Him. The only thing I knew for sure was that I could not return to the picked apart, holey, patchwork remains of a faith I had abandond. My second attempt to bandage my wounds was to begin attending the local synagogue and even beginning conversion education. It was different enough from Christianity to be safe yet similar enough to be homey. After about six months a sense that I was rebounding into Reformed Judaism to cover up my hurt overcame my need. I realized I was not ready for conversion and informed my husband. After this, many years were spent in pain regretting my loss of faith. Eventually, this turned to a mild interest in searching for truth which led me to a comfortable place in which I began to talk about faith and God again. My husband told me one day about four years ago that he was considering Buddhism. I lashed out at him feeling abandoned and angry that he could feel ready to move on before me. I accused him of not having been a true Christian and not loving God as I had. My husband responded by no longer informing me of his thoughts on spirituality, which was fine with me. A period of feeling safe and a sence of rightness resulted for years after that. I didn't reach out except to expand on my scientific theories of life, death and our beginnings. After starting couples therapy AGAIN in May of this year a fire began to burn in me. I knew that I wanted and deserved passion for the first time in....eleven years. I knew then that it was time to go back out on a limb. So here I am and it brings me to my epiphany: In my own imperfect way, I have exemplified Buddhism for the last eleven years. I have neither indulged nor repressed my grief, I have followed my brain and what I knew in my very being was right. Most importantly, I did not take the easy road by turning back to chrisitanity and against my heart. This took me nearly eleven years, but I have faced my greatest fear.
Looking back, I see now the unhealthy attachment I had to Jesus Christ. I used faith as a crutch to get me through life. When I took that leap as a Christian to say "Maybe what I have been taught is not correct", I felt what I was doing was right, despite the pain I experienced. This brings me to a quote from Pema that breathes life into the challenges of my daily life:
"Only to the extent that we expose ourselves over and over to annihilation can that which is indestructible be found in us."
I feel that where I am now is solid rock. Not to say that I do not have ideals and monsters to continue contending with! This is a daily walk. The good, the bad, and the hideous arise in me all the time and my goal is to see them all clearly as I did my dependance on God. I want to turn and confront the monsters chasing me and stare them in the eye. I feel no more fear regarding God or religion or belief. It is empowering to know what a huge mountian I have overcome in myself! Joy is abundant at the Knickerbocker household!
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