Happiness

I love being happy. LOVE laughing. Love beating myself up over things. I am much harder on myself than anyone else is on me. Attaining happiness is for many the ultimate goal in life. It has been my own goal! It seemed that each time I would attain happiness it would slip away and feel as though a dream to me. What was I doing wrong? How could any unhappiness be present in my life?! I planned meticulously for our comfort and happiness: I got an education, put my husband through law school to ensure we would be financially stable, had a baby a little later in life, bought a modest home to prepare for family, two dogs....it didn't make me happy. At times, yes, happiness was abundant, but always these feelings of sadness, resentment, jelousy, and hurt would set in. I felt like a horrible person. How could I be unhappy with so much?! I was bad. Selfish. Doomed to be discontent forever. I turned my unhappiness into yet another reason to be cruel to myslef.

An "aha!" moment arose for me when reading in Ms. Chodron's book the other night. Harsh is a mild adjective when describing how I treat myself at times. I demand perfection from myself constantly and when I don't attain perfection, I either beat myself up verbally or mentally as discipline or I become depressed and lose any ambition to attempt anything new. This is why I am so very sensitive to critique from others because I simply can not take much more. I think Pema puts it very eloquently:


"The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves. Yet it's never too late or too early to practice loving-kindness. It's as if we had a terminal disease but might live for quite a while. Not knowing how much time we have left, we might begin to think it was important to make friends with ourselves and others in the remaining hours, months, or years."

"Maitry- developing loving-kindness and an unconditional friendship with ourselves. People sometimes confuse this process with self-improvement or building themselves up. We can get so caught up in being good to ourselves that we don't pay any attention at all to the impact that we're having on others. We might erroneously believe that maitri is a way to find a happiness that lasts; as advertisements so seductively promise, we could feel great for the rest of our lives. It's not that we pat ourselves on the back and say, "You're the greatest," or "Don't worry, sweetheart, everything is going to be fine." Rather it's a process by which self-deception becomes so skillfully and compassionately exposed that there's no mask that can hide us anymore."

"What makes maitri such a different approach is that we are not trying to solve a problem. We are not striving to make pain go away or to become a better person. In fact, we are giving up control altogether and letting concepts and ideals fall apart".

"Two women are standing behind their locked door peeking out the window at a monster standing on thier doorstep. One of the ladies is saying, "Calm down, Edna. Yes, it is a giant hideous insect, but it may be a giant hideous insect in need of help."


This is a completely different concept to me. Wrapping my mind around the idea that "Yes I am flawed, and that is okay" is so fresh. I don't have to draw blood from myself every time I make a mistake (figuratively of course). I simply acknowledge my mistake and let it fly away. If it persists, I again acknowledge it and release it again and yet again if needed. I no longer digest it and rechew it like a cow. That is what I see as loving myself. It is what I would want to do for others, so why neglect myslef in the process? Maybe the biblical passage should read "Do unto yourself as you would do unto others".

Happiness is elusive. It comes, it goes. The goal here is not to be happy. It is to be present in all we do. Experience the bad with the good and do not hide from it. Use the bad experiences in our lives to our growth and betterment. I believe that if we befriend and love ourselves that happiness will increase, but the goal should always be to just BE. Experience the cold of a winter's day though you may shiver. I can face my demons, AM facing them daily. Already I feel more peace than I have in years. Playing with my daughter has never felt so unhindered. I feel like I have unloaded a hundred pounds from my shoulders. Perhapse I CAN do those things I have put off for so long because I didn't think I was capable.

Finally, contrary to what some may think, I do not allow my passions to run wild now that I am letting these ideals crumble before me. I acknowledge my downfalls and know them as destructive, then I let them go and do not dwell on them either positively or negatively. It is always disheartening when people ask me how I choose to do the right thing when I do not have "God watching over my shoulder". I desire to do good. I desire a good life for myself, my husband, and my daughter. I desire to live life to it's fullest. Do I need any more reason than that?